kayla.....  please be alive....  i have been looking for your obituary and i can't find it.  about 70 percent of me thinks you are dead.  you were so sick...  please, prove me wrong and just leave me a comment.  or write just ONE word.  please....

i love you...

-Rebecca

i know i typically don't comment in your diary, but i'm really worried about you! i've been praying for you ever since you wrote this entry...i really hope you're okay. please update soon!

[amlentz]

I cant believe how much you're being put through! I don't know you but I really really really hope that you pull through and get better. I think you've finally realised how much harm you're doing, but that might pursuade you to eat. I know that you can do it, the problem is will you? You need your life back now, all thats left is beggining to eat.

Good luck.

Love&Support, Chloe xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Much love and support, please try as hard as you can! =]

BeautyFromPain

Ohmygod.

Thats realllly horrible what your going through. freaky cuz as muc asit scares me i wana still keep followin ur footsteps!

i cnt belive that ur only 13 n u hardly see ur parents! that must b so horrible for u babe! i hope al goes well n good luck in gaining again and gettin better!im 14 n i no id die if i were u. ur really strong sweetheart!

i hope u get outta there asap!

All my wishes n love!

Support&Love, Chloe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

all i can really say is wow.

i never really realized what you lose when you become ana.

i don't want to be ana.

i really don't.

but i want to lose all of that weight and do it as fast as i can.

[amlentz]

i think i could be ana.
but i don't care, i do have the control to stop.

as soon as i get to my goal i will be healthy and maintain my hard work. and if i ever get to a point where i start to feel like it's getting out of control, i will stop myself.

You can't give up!  I know deep down inside you really want to get better but you just have to search yourself and find that.  And things won't be better if you die.  You parents, which I know for sure they still love you, would be devastated if you die.  Your friends back home would wonder why they lost such a good friend.  And the doctors will wonder if they did everything for you that they could.  It really wouldn't be better if you died trust me!  And no one on MyDearDiary.com wants you to die either.  I know you can do this!  Just eat and eat and eat.  This will probably be the only time in your life you can eat 2 icecreams a day and it won't be bad.  You'll want that later(trust me)  I've been in your situation and I know how it feels and I know you can get better because I did and your just as strong as me or stronger!

Remeber* God cares for you and so do I

Oh, I'm really so glad to hear this! It sounds like you're in a progressive and open-minded place, and that's all that anyone can ask of you. I wish you all the best!

Much love

I also had a lonely Easter until it met up with some Funne.

P.S. Dude, wheres my car?!

Oh Kayla, this entry made me smile!!    Especially the fact that you are able to talk openly with your counselor.  You are going to get better that much faster now that you have somebody that you can share your feelings with.  I'm so glad that James has faith in your recovery, just as I do, and this entry just strengthens my belief that you will get better!!  And 75-80 pounds will be amazing.  At that point, you should be able to function properly, OUT of the hospital!!  I'm so excited for you Kayla...  you are gonna do so amazing when you have beat this disorder.  For me, well, you're right, I'm not doing so well, and I'm trying to get back on track, but I feel like a huge hypocrite, because I'm telling you ways that might help you get better, but then I don't follow my own advice.  I guess, maybe all I can do is tell you what the RIGHT thing is to do, but then it is your choice (and mine) if you (or me) decide to follow what is right.  I, however, am having a really hard time doing what I know is right lately.  You are trying so hard to gain weight, and I'm trying so hard to lose weight!!  I wish I was 67 pounds.  Obviously, I know that it won't make me happy, and I know that deep down I don't actually want to be that emaciated, but I have been trying so hard for so long to become that thin, and it just hasn't worked, and I'm still not happy, but I just don't know how to get out of this HELL I am in, and am so tired of trying to eat normally, but I just.... can't.  I need to get back on track....  I love you so much, and I just know you will do so well.  I'm kinda babbling, and I gotta go, but I'll update my diary later, and tell you whats going on.  Love you!!

-Rebecca

I'm so glad things are going better!  80 pounds is a good place to start but you'll need to get higher.  I know 80 pounds seems like a good weight right now but actually for your height it should probably be around 110-120.  It seems like alot but trust me it's not. I'm almost 110 and I'm still really skinny.  I know you can get better and keep up the good attitude!

Natash

i'm soo glad i could help! (i'm the banana girl) i'm glad u wrote. i was starting 2 worry maybe something bad had happened

make progress :D

lol Love the title and I am so glad to see the frame of mind you are in.  Keep up the hard work and things will slowly get back to "normal"  Rebecca always gives you such good advice (well so do others too) but I just love the comments paperthin leaves you.  She is a great influence on young girls everywhere.  I hope she uses her experiences to help other young girls.  I'd tell her that but her diary is private. lol  But anyways...keep your head up, soon this will be but a memory.  You have your whole life ahead of you.

[thatpotsmokinghippy]

Hey!

I'm so glad you have a possitive attitude about it!  When I was sick you wouldn't believe how much I hated life!  I'm sure you not too happy but if you keep that possitive attitude then you'll get better so much faster!  I'm so happy for you!  And you know what? YOU ACTUALLY ATE FOOD!!!!!!  Theres nothing better then that.  And remember that the faster you gain weight the faster you can get home and to your friends and the things you love!  And yes you are still sick...unfortunetly...but you'll get better so fast and when you do I bet you'll have an even better perspective on things then you did before becasue you'll realize how important life is and how fast it you can loose it!  Sorry this comment is so long!  I'm just so HAPPY that your staying possitive and your trying to gain weight!

Remember*God cares for you and so do I*

Natasha

I am so glad to see an update.  I worry about you girl!  You need to work out these feelings of inequity and being perfect.  You need to relearn to love yourself.  This is NOT about food or looking cute.  It is about self hatred and a warped sense of seeking perfection.  I know you can find your way out.  Hang in there.  I am sorry that you hate the docs watching you but it is in your best interest.  Anything is better than burying you.  Not to be harsh, but I'd rather read where they are tube feeding you (next step) than read your funneral notice. 

We are all rooting for you, but this is not about doing it for us.   You must realize that you are worth fighting for and get that will to fight. 

Sorry if I sound like a bitch today.  I don't mean it. Have you tried liquid replacements?  Like ensure or slim fast? 

um, haven't heard from you in a while.  im really worried about you kayla.  i hope you are still, gulp, alive....  seriously though.  just write something... ANYTHING.  and tell me how things are going okay??  love you...

-Rebecca

Cheese? It's super good for your bones and everything since it's dairy, and it'll put you up some weight =]

Good luck

um... avocados have good fat i hear.  Whole grains can be hefty in calories but really good for you.  Juice is also excellent.  Since it is hard for you to eat, maybe try some slim fast.  If that is too much, juice can be a good source of calories.  I love the new V8 juice that is 1 serving fruit and 1 vegetable. 

I hope you find something. 

Happy Easter.  I worry when you don't update. 

Keep your head up.

[thatpotsmokinghippy]

I can only think of one thing other than a feeding tube.  You COULD eat, but duh, I know it's not that easy.  lol!!  I think what you need is God.  No, I KNOW that is what you need.  So you asked what you should do.... well, one word.

PRAY.

I'm totally serious.  Kayla, you need to give this eating disorder to God just as much as I need to give mine to him as well.  I KNOW it is hard, and I am still struggling with how to do that.  But all I know how to do is pray.  I pray and pray and pray.  And yes, I'm only coming to him for help, but that is what he wants.  God WANTS us to come to him broken rather than us trying to fix ourselves.  The thing is, is that we will NEVER be good enough for God, but he doesn't want us to be!!  He knows that we are imperfect people, ever since Adam and Eve, but he already died for you Kayla, so you don't have to kill yourself through this eating disorder.  Only God can fix you and me, and every other person in this world.  It only depends on if we let him.  He's not gonna force us to come to him.  Or else, what kind of loving God would that be if we had no choice??

Okay, so this is super long again, and I'm sorry about that.  I tend to go overboard!!  lol!!  I really do worry about you though, and I know you worry about me too sometimes.  And well.... I'm sorry.  I'm trying, and I know you are too.  Just know that as much as I write why you should try harder and stuff, know that I do understand you already are trying.  I know this is not easy at ALL, and Kayla I am SO PROUD of you for how much you have accomplished.  You are such a kind person, and so encouraging to others and I am just so thankful that I met you, and that I am able to help you in some way.  But the truth is, is that YOU are helping ME!!  Watching you get better gives me the strength to try harder too.  So thanks!!

Yikes, my biology lab class started 4 minutes ago!!  lol!!  Gotta run!!  Love ya!!

-Rebecca

Aw, that sounds wonderful! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling good and thing's are getting onto a positive route.

I feel as if I am nearing normalcy when it comes to eating, and I swear, it does feel good to just eat a bun with jam and love the taste. You're life will be completely different in two years from now, aspire for it to be amazing and without rules! Especially when it comes to eating! It really is just a basic need. I know it's hard, but now when I eat I simply think of it as, "I need to eat this so that I can continue to live and learn. If I didn't sleep I would die, if I didn't breathe I would die, if I don't eat I will die. It's so simple, stop thinking about it."

Anyway, I wish you all the luck in the world, especially for the coming weeks and months. It will be the hardest part of your life, and the most important. Please do the very best you can because I'd love to hear about all of your wonderful accomplishments!

Meaghan

Your absolutely right but I think it might be something else thats bugging me, just don't know what. Thx for the comment=)

;;Nena

I'm really sorry that you were admitted to a hospital but just think about this: in the hospital you will get better 3 times faster!  I'm so glad you ate!!!! It wasn't very much but it's a great start! Just try to eat a little more everyday! So is the hospital life any better then at the clinic? Hang in there.

Remember*God cares for you and so do I*

im 14 and 5 foot even

~bri

YAY!!!!!! I'm EXSTATIC!!!! I'm so glad you made a friend! I'm so happy that she's going to help you get food that you will eat!!!!!!!! It's ok that  you lost another pound just try hard to get it back up and the important thing is that you still have hope!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!

Remember*God cares for you and so do I*

Just hang in there.  It's good that you ate something.  I know the food probably is pretty nasty but just think about it.  When I was anorexic I didn't eat at all but then my mom threatened to put a feeding tube in my nose. And(not trying to sound mean) that will probably happen to you to if you don't eat! Please start eating and just have hope!

Remember*God cares for you and so do I*

Listen I know this is hard to hear but if you don't eat then your going to keep feeling awful.  Your only 2 pounds lower then I was and look at me I'm healthy and happy and great.  Just try to eat.  What helped me is just don't eat to much at once. Maybe start out with a bannana or apple once a day then just start building up every time you feel like you can eat more. It helped me and I know it will help you.

Remember*God cares for you and so do I*

why are you starving yourself? what lead up to this? He is reacting in a fatherly manner, but he should not yell. A father would go into shock!

forgive

@

heal.

You are headed for greatness.

I just know it :)

I do not think this is the BEST option but I hope it works.  Please give it a try.  I wish you the best of luck and please update if you get the chance.  Maybe the ED clinic people will tell your parents that the Internet did not "give" you anorexia. 

Just because your parents want you to stay a year does not mean you will.  Just focus on getting better, that year may turn into 6 months or even less.

Good luck again, I know you will be missed here.  But the important thing is your health.  YOu got it in you.  I believe you do. 

OMG!!! I am so sorry that this is happening to you! How can they send you away like that???? You need help, not banishing! Can't they get you in somewhere closer so you don't have to be away from your family and friends????

I hope that there will be an internet connection there. It'd be a shame for you not to be able to have access to us with our support while you recover. If not though, please please PLEASE keep a written journal, you will need it in order to freely express yourself and to look back over how much progress you make.

Big BIG hugs!!!! xx.

You're 82lbs and telling me to be careful~ i bet your like 15 years old and if you are and you do weigh that little that's creepy! but i wish i could weigh at least 110, 1st i need to loose like 18lbs!! YUCK why am i so fat!??? I'm going to go get rid of that top ramon that i just eat an hour ago.

What's your BMI?

and what is like the prefact BMI to have?

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am SOsososososososososososososososoooooooooooo happy!!!  Jordan is incredible.  Both you and her have done an AWESOME 180 degree turn around, and I'm glad I was able to help save a couple girls from being completely devoured by an eating disorder.  Honestly though, I feel very ashamed, because you and Jordan are actually making progress, and I'm not!!  I feel like a hypocrite, and I don't want to!!  I hate being like this, and beyond that, I am SCARED.  But you and Jordan are inspiring me, pushing me, encouraging me, to get better.  I want to.  I really truly do!!!  And that is why I want to go to an eating disorder clinic, because I cannot do it on my own.  And, I don't just want to say that and give up.  I want to try something else, like this clinic.  Anyways, you are doing AMAZING, and I know that one day you will be able to help another girl as well.  Heck!!  You already are!!  ME!!  I have to go now, but girl, you really ARE fabulous.  lol!!

-Rebecca :]

thanks, i didnt think people actually read my stuff...makes me feel worth while...

-ava

Heyy Babe !

Ta For the comment !

And yeah Yur right thet cooler Girl Cant count lol

xXx